NEW COLUMN: Hot Takes/Cold Truths

In which we state the unstateable and give you the cold, hard truths.

This, occassionally, when we feel like it, new column is here to address the unaddressable, to point out the unpoint-outable and to make us General Hospital fans face the unfaceable. If no one else in the room is going to say it, then we here at General Hospital Snark will say the unsayable.

HOT TAKE: Curtis is the new Drewfus.

COLD TRUTH: When every single person in the above photo hates you (well, maybe except for Jordan, but she’s not too pleased with you, either), then you are doing something wrong. Curtis burst on the scene ten and a half years ago and he, and actor Donnell Turner, were a breath of fresh air. Everyone loved them some Curtis. Everyone wanted to be Curtis’ friend. Everyone was getting hot under the collar and having pants feelings for Curtis. Yes, Curtis was flawed. Yes, Curtis was prone to anger and quick to jump in to situations when needed. He was the daytime version of Shaft, so cool, so hip, so swaggery. So what happened?

Donnell Turner happened. The General Hospital writing staff does not have a person of color (at least Curtis’ color) on the canvas. So Donnell decided he needed to start changing his lines to make them sound more realistic, you know, like what a person would actually say. After all, who knows better than a person of color what his fellow peeps do and say? But then somewhere we jumped from making dialogue sound more authentic to pitching stories to the writing staff. Before you know it, Curtis was stuck in some big story duds. He was all over the place, personality-wise. The former police officer and detective was now a savvy club owner? It was always his passion. (Sound familiar, Kristina Corinthos?) No, wait! He’s the CEO of Aurora Media (with no experience in fitness or media). It never bothered people before, but this latest storyline was his nail in the coffin. Curtis has become entirely unlikeable and everyone just wishes he would go away. He’s even dragged down the likeable character of Jordan Ashford. Now that’s a feat!

THE SOLUTION: Have Curtis be found guilty in court and thrown in jail. Rest the character for a year, then reboot Curtis anew.

HOT TAKE: Kai is now a viable character.

COLD TRUTH: So what happened here? In Jens Austin Astrup’s case, the actor was your typical young soap opera hire. He was pretty to look at and acting skills would only be a bonus. Unfortunately, for this young actor, his first year on the show was a meandering mess. It’s never a good idea to bring on a character simply to be someone’s love interest and that’s what happened in the case of Kai. He was merely a prop, a walking coat tree. His major drama involved Trina’s bad first impression of him as simply a jock, and not a caring, smart young man (who is apparently very diversified). Brought on as a football player when he should have been a basketball player, Kai’s big plot concerned his career-ending injury and surgery which couldn’t correct it. He amazingly went through that tough time with the love and support of everyone except his parents.

THE SOLUTION: In Kai’s case, spinning him out of Trina’s orbit a bit made him more interesting. He became Congressman Drew Cain’s intern, and was great at it. One witness to a murder attempt later, Kai woke up and realized the truth about Drew and is now the voice of reason in the “black storylines”. It also helps that actor Alstrup matured quickly, learned to act and not apologize for his height, and his youthful acne cleared up. It’s gotten to the point that I’d rather see Kai get some major storylines and not be so involved with the Ashfords. He definitely has potential to be a leading man, just not with Trina.

HOT TAKE: Aunt Stella was way too gentle on Curtis.

COLD TRUTH: After the shower broke up, Aunt Stella came at Curtis and we were all on the edge of our seats. After all, this is what we’d been waiting for - for Auntie Stella to rip Curtis a new one. Let’s not forget, this is the character that used to openly refer to Jordan as “Jezebel”. Instead, Stella tore into him with the ferocity one uses when grabbing a tissue from a box of Kleenex. This is NOT the Stella we paid for!

THE SOLUTION: Stella should have laid into Curtis a lot harder than she did. Curtis was still making excuses and crying, “But Auntie!” Vernee Watson played this one wrong. She should have been a little less hurt and a little more pit bull. Next time, dear Auntie, go for the jugular.

Give us some of your “Hot Takes/Cold Truths” in the comments.